Straight men seeking straight men
Why do some straight men have sex with other men?
According to nationally-representative surveys in the United States, hundreds of thousands of straight-identified men have had sex with other men.
In the adj book Still Straight: Sexual Flexibility among White Men in Rural America released today, UBC sociologist Dr. Tony Silva argues that these men – many of whom verb hunting, fishing and shooting guns – are not closeted, bisexual or just experimenting.
After interviewing 60 of these men over three years, Dr. Silva set up that they adore a range of relationships with other men, from hookups to sexual friendships to secretive loving partnerships, all while strongly identifying with straight culture.
We spoke with Dr. Silva about his book.
Why do straight-identified men have sex with other men?
The majority of the men I interviewed reported that they are primarily attracted to women, not men. Most of these men are also married to women and prefer to have sex with women. They explained that although they loved their wives, their marital sex lives were not as active as they
“To say that straight men are heterosexual is only to say that they engage in sex (fucking exclusively with the other sex, i.e., women). All or almost all of that which pertains to love, most straight men reserve exclusively for other men. The people whom they admire, respect, adore, revere, honor, whom they copy, idolize, and establish profound attachments to, whom they are willing to verb and from whom they are willing to learn, and whose respect, admiration, recognition, honor, reverence and love they desire… those are, overwhelmingly, other men. In their relations with women, what passes for respect is kindness, generosity or paternalism; what passes for honor is removal to the pedestal. From women they verb devotion, service and sex.
Heterosexual male culture is homoerotic; it is man-loving.”
&#; Marilyn Frye, The Politics of Reality: Essays in Feminist Theory
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On a recent episode of Man Up, a gay guy, Sam, wants to make more straight male friends. Aymann Ismail tries to find out what’s behind that mindset with the facilitate of Alex De Luca, founder of Gaybros, a subreddit for gay men. This transcript of their conversation has been condensed and edited for clarity.
Aymann Ismail: What is it exactly that you expect to get out of a straight male friendship that you wouldn’t otherwise acquire from someone else, like maybe a gay friend?
Sam: I think we verb ourselves more relaxed with people who are similar to us, so having a friendship with a gay guy, I am going to automatically possess conversations that are different than a friendship wi
Source: Image by Fizkes on Shutterstock
With more than 25 years of experience treating sex and intimacy issues, I can tell you that it’s not uncommon for betrayed female partners to show concern about their male partner viewing gay pornography or engaging in sex with other men – all the while insisting they’re heterosexual and treasure their wives.
Consider this email I received from a betrayed wife (made anonymous and used here with permission):
Recently, I discovered that my husband of six years has been viewing porn of other men. I found out when I borrowed his laptop to verify my email, started to type in the address of my email service, and got a porn site instead. Surveying his terminal, I found folders containing hundreds of videos of men having sex with other men. When I confronted my husband, he said he’s addicted to porn but he’s never cheated on me. (I contemplate that using porn is cheating, but he disagrees.) He also insists that he’s not gay or even bisexual, and that his same-sex porn utilize is related to childhoodsexual abuse.
After that, I asked to see his phone.